Don't Call Me Infertile!

Making the perfect baby

2010-11-29T19:57:00.000-08:00

Doctor on egg donation

"if you asked me how to create the perfect baby, if that was legal, I'd say take a 22 year old's eggs and put them into a 40 year old's body. It's the perfect combination of nature and nurture."

IVF #2 Stim Day 10

2010-07-09T11:33:00.000-07:00

In a surprise new twist, my right ovary woke up and produced a follicle. It's only one, but I'm rejoicing over it since that's the ovary I had surgery on years ago and throughout my fertility treatments, it has never produced a single one. I hope this one is magic.

My retrieval is scheduled for this coming Sunday. I have 3 follicles measuring 17, 17 and 15. It's not much but considering I only had 1 measuring 12mm on Tuesday, I'm thrilled. I thought I was surely going to be cancelled. Imagine my surprise when I went for my third ultrasound yesterday and they said I had 3, including that magic one on the right?

I've had 3 acupuncture sessions so far this cycle. The first one was on day 3 when I started injections, the second one was on Tuesday after I was told I only had 1 follicle and the 3rd one was last night. I've been trying to do some visualization exercises where I'm picturing my ovaries filled with follicles, all measuring exactly 16mm. And considering they went from 16, 15, 12 to 17, 17, 15 in one day, I think it is working. The mind is so powerful. Wow. Remember last month when I had that one follicle which grew from 16 to 24 in 2 days? That is what I was afraid was going to happen with the one measuring 16 yesterday. I just knew I'd come back in and they'd tell me that the 12 was only a 13 but the 16 was now a 20. The message here, use your minds, people. We are powerful in ways we don't fully understand. Take advantage of it.

IVF Cycle 2, 1st monitoring ultrasound

2010-07-04T13:14:00.000-07:00

Alternate title: Why I hate my clinic more every day

I've mentioned this before but I hate the fact that some ultrasound techs will turn the screen where you can see it and even read off the measurements of the follicles to you and some won't. Most won't. I know that's their job and all but I think it's utter bullshit. I'm not asking for an interpretation of the results, just to see what they're seeing. But today because I got one of the tight-lipped ones, I was forced to have to interpret myself, based on how they were moving the wand around and how many clicks I heard.

I think there may have been one. One! Which sucks ass!

I drove home depressed and sat around the rest of the morning waiting for their call only to find that they'd called my cell phone, which I didn't have near me (I hardly ever touch that thing on the weekends, especially when I'm home) and didn't hear. They left a message: "I have some instructions for you. Continue with the same dose of Bravelle and Menopur and we will see you back here Tuesday morning for an ultrasound. I'll repeat that, continue with the same dose of Bravelle and Menopur and we will see you back here Tuesday morning for an ultrasound. Thank you bye." What? But how many follicles? What about the Estrogen level? Even though I knew I wouldn't be able to reach anybody, I called the answering service which what you get no matter what number you call at that clinic on the weekends, and left a message saying I needed to speak to the nurse who just left a message. Of course, no call back. Agony.

I absolutely hate that the clinic phones are locked down like that. It is impossible to ever speak to a clinical person when you call. And on the weekend? Forget it. They flat out tell you they don't even check voicemail on the weekend. With my raging hormones, I feel like beating the shit out of somebody. I don't want to wait until Tuesday to get my bad news! The next time I speak to them, I plan to tell them to put a big ass note on my chart so that they always relay four things in addition to the instructions: the measurement of the lining, number and measurement of follicles on the right, number and measurement of follicles on the left and estrogen level. I don't even know why I need to tell them to do that. It ought to be standard operating procedure!

IVF Cycle 2, Stim day 4

2010-07-03T12:12:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's hard to believe it's been two months since my last post. After my 1st IVF cycle failed, I wasn't crumpled in the corner crying or anything, but I felt like I needed a month to get myself back on track. I tend to get really fixated on things so in the month leading up to the cycle and then the cycle itself, I really immersed myself in doctors and medicine and infertility blogs. When it was over I really needed to step away from all of it. Far away. It felt like a thick layer slime I couldn't wash off. So even though my doctor wanted me to go right into a new cycle, I told her I needed a month off. And in that month I kind of forgot we were trying to have a baby. I didn't take my temperature, and I barely kept up with the blogs I was reading. I felt free.

When I started my period that next month I called the clinic to let them know, then made plans to go in for my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. I'll be honest, I didn't want to do it. I'd moved on to other fixations in my month off and was busy planting gardens and trying to finish up a writing class. I could easily have rationalized needing another month off. But I went in for the ultrasound, anyway, and by noon that day I was deep in the trenches of the frustration and the angst of IVF, again. I think it was a combination of my not wanting to do it in the first place, and the rushing to get to the early appointment and then into work to finish an important project by a deadline that did it. Then when I called the pharmacy to get my meds, I learned that I have a $10,000 lifetime max on infertility meds which I would reach only a few days into the cycle. So, I needed to come up with about 5 grand in a couple of hours. I was already on cycle day 3 because my clinic was closed the day before for Memorial Day when I should have been planning all this. I threw in the towel and immediately went to a very bad place. The place you go when you know it's time to come to terms with never having children. It was bad.

There are so many things I swore I'd never do when I started this journey. I won't put us into financial ruin for this. I won't resent women with babies. I won't let infertility define me. Yet here I sit with my giant box of meds, part of it paid for with borrowed money, some of it free from my clinic and the rest from a kind and generous new friend who is pregnant from a successful IVF cycle. I never thought I'd be one of those women who would need to take charity meds dropped off by pushy pharmaceutical reps, yet here I am injecting myself twice a day with samples usually reserved for cancer patients having emergency IVF before chemo. It is a mix of intense emotion, bad and good. Appreciation, embarrassment, dread, hope.

Tomorrow I go for my first monitoring ultrasound. I'm trying to stay busy. I'm trying to stay fixated on gardening so I don't get stuck floundering around the pain I feel in my ovaries today. It ain't easy.

Planning for 2nd IVF Cycle

2010-04-29T05:37:00.000-07:00

I spoke to my doctor yesterday. She said my embryos were a B+ and a B-. Whatever that means. I always get the feeling my clinic is trying to skate by this type of data without really giving it proper attention. I mean I realize not everybody wants to know this level of detail, but I'm an information hog. I want to know everything, about everything!

She wants to keep me on the same medication for the next cycle and just increase the dosages.

follistim 300 twice a day

menopur 75 twice a day

I'm a little surprised that they are not changing the meds at all. And I got the impression that they only have one other protocol for "young patients." That is is a down-regulation protocol. She said that she felt my response to the meds was appropriate for my age. And when I asked why no BC pills and a change of meds she said "well, large randomized studies have shown that none of that really makes a difference, anyway." Uhhh, thanks! "But of course we don't know how it will effect you on an individual basis." Yeah, thanks. I'm not ready to start clinic hopping, but I'm annoyed.

I did get one piece of good news. Apparently my 25% copay on the infertility medication is only up to $2,500. After that it's 100%. I'm nearly at $2,500 already! But that means I need to do as much of this stuff as I can this year. Still, I'm trying to tell myself that, even if I have to wait a month to start (due to scheduling), I will not get all worked up over it. I'll just use that month to lose some of the weight I've gained. I was already overweight before all this mess started. Now I'm just miserable.

Beta

2010-04-27T12:44:00.000-07:00

Negative.

First IVF cycle, the end.

What Embryo Transfer Was Like

2010-04-16T15:52:00.000-07:00

We transferred both embryos this morning. One was 6 cells and the other was 7. They gave me a cute little "best wishes" card with a photo of each one inside. There was no fragmentation but he said they were a little "asymmetrical" which reduces the chance of implantation. My pregnancy test is Monday April 26th.

At my clinic, the transfer was done in the same area as the retrieval. I had to shout my name to the embryologist again and I also had to sign for them. The doctor goes "this is just like Fed Ex. You've gotta sign for your embryos."

I was tilted slightly backward, the speculum placed, cervix cleaned with water and a cotton swab, then he did the trial run. I guess the trial run consists of opening the cervix and placing the same type of catheter inside that will be used for the transfer. After that, he just kept saying, "you are going to have a very easy transfer." Once he was done with the trial run, which only took about a minute, he asked the embryologist for the embryos. It took less than 5 minutes. Then he gave the catheter back to the embryologist to verify that the embryos were no longer there. After the transfer, I stayed there in the slightly upside down position for about 20 minutes.

I had acupuncture before my transfer today. Afterwards, I came home, at a salad and some chocolate pudding and took a 3 hour nap.

If you've got a success story about getting pregnant from crappy embryos, I sure need to hear it.

Fertilization Report

2010-04-14T08:01:00.000-07:00

Of the 4 eggs retrieved yesterday, 3 were mature and fertilized. This morning, 2 were growing normally. According to the embryologist, 95% of embryos continue to grow once they get to this point, so I'm hoping we can transfer both this Friday.

One more hurdle down! When I returned the call to the embryology lab this morning I thought I was going to vomit while I was on hold waiting for her to get on the phone. All this stuff is so anxiety provoking.

The embryologist said that they won't look at them again until Friday morning when they'll grade them then do the assisted hatching right before the transfer.

It's weird and very lovely to think about two potential babies that my husband and I created growing in a lab. I wonder if they are boys or girls.

What IVF Egg Retrieval Is Like

2010-04-13T15:20:00.000-07:00

They retrieved 4 eggs today. A very low number, but one more than they saw on all my monitoring ultrasounds, so I'm happy.

I reported to the clinic today at 8:30, about an hour before my retrieval was scheduled to start. I only waited about 10 minutes in the waiting room before they called me back. My clinic does the retrievals right there in the office but they do have a separate space for the procedure rooms. There was one large room where the nurses congregate with the patient lockers and recovery beds on the left and two procedure rooms on the right.

I was instructed to change into a hospital gown (I was only allowed to keep my socks on) then to lay down on one of the recover beds. The recovery nurse went through a series of questions like "when is the last time you ate. When did you take your ovidrel shot." Then they started an IV with a bag of fluid and gave me a Zofran to try to prevent the nausea that patients often get from the sedation.

They wheeled me across the hall to the procedure room which had a bathroom and asked me to empty my bladder as much as possible. The embryology lab is connected to the procedure room by a small window and before I was moved to the procedure bed, I had to stand in front of the embryology lab and state my name and date of birth to the embryologist who was standing right there in front of tubes labeled with my name. I was relieved that they'll have my eggs clearly identified. The procedure bed is more like a reclining chair with a collapsible bottom. Once on the bed with my legs in the stirrups, They put oxygen in my nose and a blood pressure cuff on my non-IV arm. Then they turned down the light and gave me a dose of something that made me feel very good and very chatty. Within a couple of minutes, my RE came in the room and they started working. They couldn't find anything on my right ovary, even after pressing on my stomach to move things around. My right ovary is only a partial and they always have a hard time finding it. And then they moved to the left. They had given me as much of the Versed and the Fentanyl as they were able to and I was still awake but groggy. I could feel what they were doing and I'm pretty sure I was screaming. At some point I heard the sedation nurse tell my doctor "I can't give her anymore. She's at the max." Still, it wasn't as bad as the HSG I had last year. I heard them say "Gina, we found one they didn't see on ultrasound" which was great.

After they finished, they immediately had me turn over and gave me a progesterone shot on my left side. They transferred me back to the recovery bed, wheeled me back over to the other side of the room and let me lay there for a few minutes. They asked me to drink some ginger ale and eat a few crackers to see if I was going to be nauseous. I wasn't. Thank goodness! I believe I was in recovery for about an hour and they brought my husband back a few minutes before they let me leave. They also gave me Tylenol right before I left because I was already starting to feel pretty crampy.

Walking to the car was kind of scary. I felt pretty wobbly. I came home and slept for 3 hours. Right now I do have some cramping and I do feel a little groggy but I feel much better than I thought I would. All in all the procedure wasn't that bad.

I'll hear from the embryologist tomorrow with a fertilization report. I sure hope they all fertilize and are beautiful embryos.

IVF Stim Day 11

2010-04-12T18:30:00.001-07:00

Is it still called "Stim day 11" if I didn't take any stimulation drugs today?

I triggered promptly at 9:45 last night. I didn't sleep well because I'm very nervous about tomorrow. And I've spent most of today thinking of all the horrible things that could happen.

When I spoke to the nurse today about my progesterone level that was added on to the bloodwork from Sunday due to the decrease in my estrogen level, she said she didn't even know why they ordered that. That the estrogen level always goes down a little when you start the Ganirelix. My progesterone was only 1, which means I have not ovulated.

We're due in the office tomorrow at 8:30. That's about an hour before the retrieval which is my clinic's protocol. I wish I had some prophylactic sedation like Valium or something. I think I'm more nervous about the sedation than the procedure itself.

I had another acupuncture session this evening. She did electroacupuncture on some points along my back which is meant to improve the blood and the blood flow to the reproductive organs. My lining was only 9mm yesterday so I'm hoping that'll improve a little. She did not do the points on the back of my legs this time which she said are more for the egg inside the follicle. It's too late for all that with my retrieval scheduled for in the morning. I was also really bummed to learn that my acupuncturist is headed out of town this Friday which I hope will be the day of my transfer. She was trying to find somebody who could treat me before and after my Friday transfer but then she found out her husband messed up their plane tickets and since she's now leaving later in the day on Friday, she's planning to come in just to treat myself and one other girl who is transferring on Friday. That's why I love her!

If you think about it, send me some good thoughts around 9:30 tomorrow morning.

IVF Stim Day 10

2010-04-11T07:51:00.000-07:00

At my ultrasound today they saw the same three follicles on my left ovary. They are measuring 16, 17, 24 today. I was very surprised that the one grew 10mm in two days. Is that normal or does that mean there is probably something wrong with that egg?

I have not heard from my nurse yet but I'm assuming they'll have me trigger tonight for a Tuesday retrieval. I'm really nervous and all I can seem to think about are negative outcomes. I sure will be glad when this is over!

Update: nurse called to say trigger is at 9:45. My estrogen level was only 1500 which is down from 1685 on Friday. That worries me. The nurse said they added a progesterone level to my bloodwork to make sure I haven't already ovulated. I have no idea what they'll do if it's elevated.

IVF Stim Day 9

2010-04-10T13:22:00.001-07:00

I don't feel much of anything in the ovary area today. So I'm overcome with fear that I'll show up tomorrow's ultrasound only to learn my 3 little follicles are gone. Or maybe I've just been laying around so much today that I haven't been in a position to be in pain. Hope.

Eight am acupuncture session. She treated me laying on my stomach again with the needles in my back and legs. With electricity. And I've got another session scheduled for Monday afternoon. Next week is bound to be pretty exciting. In a good way, or a bad way.

IVF Stim Day 8

2010-04-09T07:53:00.000-07:00

The same 3. Now they are 14, 13, 12. Wow.

IVF Stim Day 6

2010-04-08T05:29:00.001-07:00

I'm in a bad place.

Had my ultrasound this morning and when she only had the wand on the left side for a sec, I knew something was wrong. Nothing on the left over 10 mm and only three on the right measuring 11, 11, 10. There were a few less than ten, I think on both sides. When I asked the ultrasound tech to tell me how many, she replied "we can't discuss that." They only say that when it's bad news. If it's good, they're happy to tell you. At least that's my personal experience. Stupid bitches. Sorry, but that just pisses me off. Who do they think they're fooling?

When the nurse called with my results, I was disappointed that it wasn't my regular nurse. This other lady just ran through things in about 15 seconds. I could tell she was in a hurry.

her "You've got three follicles, two at 11 and one at 10. Your estrogen is 900. Stay the course with your Follistim and Menopur. Start your Ganarelix Friday morning and come back in Friday morning for another ultrasound."

me "Only three? Won't they just have me convert to IUI with that few?"

her "Well lets just cross our fingers that you get some more growth. Ok thank you bye"

What? What kind of explanation is that? I'm fragile! I need reassurance that I should keep going and not just go hide under a rock!

So I sat at work depressed for several hours before deciding to call my regular nurse in hopes that she was in the office today. When she called back I just flat out told her that I'm looking for some reassurance because I had this level of response to Clomid one month. She says she's not worried at all. That my estrogen level being 900 should mean there are some good follicles there and that she expects I'll have more when I come back on Friday. Ahhh. Relief. One thing we realized during our conversation is that I'm taking the Menopur in the morning and I'm supposed to be taking it at night. I don't know how I misunderstood that but of course I'm wondering if that has somehow caused my bad response. The nurse did not want me to move to a night Menopur dose but I could tell she was not happy with me. And she said I'll just have to do three injections in the morning, the Follistim, the Menopur and the Ganarelix, then the Follistim again at night. I don't care about the injections, I just hope my body can handle all the drugs at once. And I've been reading up on Menopur. It seems that headaches are a common side effect, and boy have I had them. I imagine taking it at night would have really helped with that.

I've noticed I'm back in that hole where I am fixated on reading infertility stories on the Internet. And they all seem bad. I mean compared to 3 small follicles on day 6. It's started consuming my thoughts again. Why should I go through that retrieval with only 3? Why not just do IUI? All the money I've already wasted on these injections. Why did I wait so long to do this. Why did he take so long to make the decision that he wanted to have a baby?

It is not good.

IVF Stim Day 4

2010-04-06T05:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was pretty uneventful, thankfully. Being at work sure does keep my mind off my ovaries. I'm still super aware that they're there. I keep hoping it's a good sign that the injections are working and that I've got like 20 follicles developing in there. But I've dreamed up many good signs on this journey. I know my mind can trick me. I'll be relieved to get my ultrasound tomorrow morning. 20! I want 20!

After work last night I had another acupuncture session. This time she had me lay on my stomach and she placed the needles in my upper and lower back, and in the back of my legs in the calf area. She also hooked up the electrodes (electroacupuncture) to two of the ones in my lower back and one on each leg then turned the transmitter on so that it sent continuous electrical pules through the electrodes. The only other time I've had this done was the month I had a particularly good response to Clomid. That month, I had 3 mature follicles, which is good for my age. Unfortunately, they were on my blocked side. The electrical pulse does not hurt at all. In fact, after a couple of minutes I can't even feel it anymore, so when she comes in to check mid-way through the treatment, she cranks it back up a little more, just until I can feel it. I go back for another treatment on Saturday morning, unless something important (early trigger, God forbid cancelled cycle) happens at my ultrasound tomorrow. It'll be interesting to see if she hooks up the electricity again on Saturday. It seems like she only does this pretty early in the cycle, so I don't expect she'll treat me like this again.

If you are cycling this month, good luck! I'm sending good thoughts to all of you.

IVF Stim Day 3

2010-04-05T05:39:00.000-07:00

Last night sometime, my ovaries started to become kind of painful. It's not unbearable, but I can definitely feel them, and they're sore. Since this started after only 3 full days of injections, I'm really worried about how bad this will get before retrieval. I'm scheduled for day 6 ultrasound this coming Wed. I'm just trying to stay busy hoping I can keep my mind off it.

I've been trying to exercise a little every day. I'm so scared about the severe bloating I keep hearing about with IVF and since I need to lose weight, anyway, I'm trying to counteract that side effect as much as I can. So far, it's working. I don't really feel bloated at all. Just sore.

I didn't sleep well last night. Probably because I had a long nap earlier in the day and we were up late watching movies. I hate starting weeks like this. To summarize, I'm grumpy. And sore.

IVF Stim Day 2

2010-04-04T06:14:00.000-07:00

I can feel my ovaries, already.

I Survived IVF Stim Day 1

2010-04-03T06:40:00.000-07:00

When I went to my medication education session, the nurse suggested that, when we get our big-bag-o-meds, we lay them all out, make sure they're all there and that we know how to use them. Well, I didn't do that. I don't know if it was laziness, or that I'm really trying to minimize the IVF process obsessing for my own sanity. I tend to get very fixated on things and it takes over all my thoughts. That's what happened during the last year I was trying to get pregnant. So, I threw the bag on the kitchen table and tried to forget about it. Sometimes I'd walk by and have moments of proudness. Like "look, I'm so chill I'm totally ignoring the thousands of dollars of medicine and medical equipment I have right there on the kitchen table. I am so awesome and cool!"

Then yesterday it was time for the shots. That's when I decided to dive into the goody bag. Stressful! I forgot everything they taught in the education session. (I knew I should have recorded that on my iPhone!) I spent an hour or so on youtube looking for videos on how to give Menopur and Follistim injections. Thankfully, I found quite a few. Other than agonizing over how much saline I was supposed to mix the Menopur with, it was OK.

I thought the Follistim injection was a walk in the park. I had surgery to remove an ovarian cyst back in the 90's before laproscopic was all the rage. And I've never fully regained the feeling around the bikini incision. This was helpful for the injections. The Menopur still burned a little, but I was expecting it because my new IVF friend had told me about it.

I survived day 1! I know it'll get worse, but for now, I'm OK.

IVF Eve

2010-04-01T18:18:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow's the big day. I'll start my morning bright and early with 75 of Menopur and 225 of Follistim. I'm nervous, and excited.

Today was a beautiful day in Chicago. It was one of those days where everybody has burst outdoors after a long snowy winter. Lots of runners. Lots of outdoor eating. Walking and talking. I had lunch with friends out on the lawn of one of the buildings on campus. It was lovely. And tonight I played basketball outside with my husband until it was too dark to see the ball. It was nice to get my heart rate up out in the fresh air. I'm really glad spring is here.

This week I found out that a business acquaintance who I've become friends with got pregnant on her first IVF cycle. I knew she was pregnant, but had no idea she'd been struggling with fertility problems. When she asked me if I planned to have kids, I ended up telling her in an email that I was starting IVF and that I was nervous. She called me immediately. It was good to connect with somebody who has actually been through it.

She had some interesting advice about not sharing all the gory details of shots and emotions with my husband. She said that her husband had a hard time with that stuff and made the statement "well lets just stop, then" somewhere mid-cycle after she'd already taken a bunch of the injections. She wanted to kill him. I don't blame her. I suspect this type of response from husbands is probably not that uncommon. In fact, I could see my own husband saying the same thing if he thought I was in pain or really struggling. He has already said that he would not be able to go through what I'm going through (needles, retrievals etc...) if he were me. So while I don't plant to hide things from him, I will probably try to spare him some of the details. There's no need in both of us being miserable, right?

Before I hung up with my friend, she suggested that I identify a couple of close friends that I could talk to when I needed it. And she told me not to hesitate to call her any time. That really meant a lot to me. I mean like I want to send her a thank you card or something, except I'm afraid she'll think I'm crazy. I just hope I can hold it together for this.

Conversations With The Pharmacist

2010-03-30T20:45:00.000-07:00

him: "uhhh ma'am, did you know that the copay for this one medication is $857?

me: "unfortunately, yes."

I picked up my meds today. I decided to only get 6 days worth, enough to last me until my first monitoring ultrasound. I work in the same building with the pharmacy and they stock all these IVF meds, so I should be able to get them on short notice. My nurse said almost nobody stims less than 8 days.

Two more medication free days. I'm trying to enjoy it.

T Minus 3 Days to IVF

2010-03-29T17:54:00.000-07:00

I took my last birth control pill today. I also had my ultrasound and estradiol test today. I was surprised they had me do that since I thought the ultrasound was usually done at the beginning of a cycle, not the end. When the nurse called she said everything looks good, except "are you spotting at all? your lining is pretty thick." Um yeah! Like I practically started my period today. She said that was fine. No more pills after today. I'm on cycle day 22.

I start injections this Friday. When I called to order the meds the lady at the pharmacy asked if I wanted to whole order or part of the order. I told her all of it, then promptly started questioning that. In fact, I left a message for the nurse asking if people in my "category" have a high incidence of cancelled cycles. Because I started thinking if, God forbid, I don't respond at all, I'll have all that expensive-ass medication here. And I'd rather have the money thank you very much. For those of you who've done IVF, did you get all your meds at the same time? Or a few days at a time?

I'm also really wishing I had a cycle buddy. I feel pretty darn alone. Any of you out there starting around the same time?

What the Psychologist Says About IVF#1

2010-03-20T05:58:00.000-07:00

"Gina, you are probably not going to get pregnant on the first cycle. You need to realize that. Statistically it takes 2.7 cycles."

Wow. OK, that makes it way harder to go into this with a positive, hopeful attitude. This is what the Psychologist told us at our IVF appointment this Wednesday. All that money, all that weight gain, knowing it's not gonna work? Well, that just seems crazy. I'm trying to tell myself there's no other way they'll know how I'm gonna respond than to do this first cycle. But of course, I want it to work the first time.

At my clinic, the pregnancy rates for my age group 21% per cycle. The live birth rates for my age group are 10-15%. So as near as I can tell, I'm basically just signing up to give away a bunch of money and gain a bunch of weight for nothing. And I've already started playing those mind games. Well, those women have probably been trying for like 20 years. And those women probably didn't even respond to the Clomid (I did!) I'm trying to differentiate myself from those other women in all sorts of bizarre and complex ways. But how else do you get through it? I know their responsibility is to let you know the statistics so you don't want to kill yourself at that first negative pregnancy test, but what the hell? What about hope? I need the hope to push me through this crazy, medicated hell.

I've got this weekend and next weekend to be normal. Then the shots start. I'm trying to enjoy it, but her words are haunting me. And making me question this decision.

Cost of IVF Meds

2010-03-19T17:41:00.000-07:00

$2178. Wow. I'm still in shock. And that's with my insurance covering 75%. I really don't know how women with no infertility coverage do this.

Don't get me wrong, I realize I'm lucky and that this is a fraction of what some people end up paying. And I'm thankful I'm in the position to be able to do it, even if it is going to set me back quite a bit. It's just that I was totally unprepared for this. Clinic, fail! You would think they would have discussed this with me somewhere along the way. Because, well, what if I didn't have 2 grand for IVF meds? I'd have gone through all this trouble, these weeks of birth control pills, only to have to back out of the whole thing. Then I'd have to stab somebody.

Had I known a few months ago when we made this decision, I could have been saving my money rather than buying writing classes and all sorts of other unnecessary stuff.

Here's what I'm supposed to take. If you know of any secret dream pharmacies where I could get any of these on the cheap, please let me know.

Follistim 225 x twice a day

Menopur 75 x once a day

Ganirelix

Ovidrel

Progesterone

Ready, Set, IVF

2010-03-17T18:36:00.000-07:00

Another failed Clomid cycle plus a couple unmedicated ones later and I'm staring down the barrel of IVF. I don't even know how I got here. I remember a year and a half ago when we first started considering trying to have a baby and I was certain I wouldn't do fertility treatments. Later, well maybe just Clomid. Now, all the way baby. It's amazing how your limitations change the more desperate you become.

I had my medication education today. There's a chance I could be doing 4 injections per day. 4!! The bad thing is that's not even what I'm worried about. I've got a lot of anxiety about the sedation for the retrieval. And oh my God the progesterone shots. I'm not asking him to help me with shots. It's better this way. But there's no way I can give myself the progesterone. I work with a bunch of nurses so Monday through Friday is not a problem. But weekends for 9 weeks will be hard. I need a rent-a-nurse.

I'm on birth control pills right now, which I'll need to take for 22 days. That's right, I'm so lucky I get to buy a whole extra pack just for one pill because my clinic can only start two patients on meds per day and my day was already taken. If that's the worst thing that happens, I'll take it!

According to the schedule the nurse did for me, my retrieval should be between April 11-16th. And I had a business trip scheduled on April 16th which necessitated me telling my boss about the whole thing. I hope I don't regret that later.

We finish up our appointments tomorrow which will include providing a back up sample for freezing, a history and physical and meeting with my RE, and a session with a psychotherapist. All mandatory at my clinic. So that's that.

I'm scared shitless.

Nearly Here

2009-12-27T19:31:00.000-08:00

It's almost over. I can tell. I did a test this morning, on CD12 and it was negative. I was so hopeful that I'd willed my left tube open this month.

Like many people's blogs I'm reading this week. I'm ready for 2009 to be over. I don't mean to wish my lift away, but this year has been big ole bitch. I'm glad to see it go. I love that we got married this spring, but other than that, it has sucked balls.

I'm tired of making New Year's resolutions that I never keep. This year, I thought of just making a to-do list. Like...

Plant my vegetable garden on time.
Learn to sew a quilt.
Hem my pants with my new sewing machine.
Can more stuff with the bazillion tomatoes I'm planning to grow.
RELAX and enjoy the vacation we've got planned for January and February.
Start on my book, hopefully with the help of my soon to be newly formed writing group.
Start a cleaning schedule and STICK TO IT!

Do you do New Year's resolutions? If so, what's your success rate?

Left Ovary Gets a Star

2009-12-13T18:06:00.000-08:00

I had my cycle day 12 ultrasound today and they found 3 beautifully mature follicles.

24mm

23mm

17mm

YAY, Go ovary!

Yeah, but there's just one thing. They're all on my blocked side. That's right folks. My left tube is supposedly blocked and all these babies-to-be are nestled inside my left ovary. Whose a lucky girl?

I just keep praying that the HSG was wrong and that my left tube isn't even blocked. It's a horrific procedure and I can totally imagine why a fallopian tube would freak out and spasm like crazy when out of nowhere, somebody starts shooting dye in it. So, that's what I've told myself. My tube is NOT blocked! In yoga today, I focused all my healing breaths right at my left fallopian tube. I imagined a beautiful gold light there and I imagined exhaling anything that's blocking it right out into the air. I'm positive that it worked!

I also have a horrible story about the cluster eff that I ended up with while trying to get my trigger shot filled. What a nightmare. Keeping it short - I had to give the shot to myself. My weekend had been so crazy and I've been in such a rage these days (I blame the Clomid!) that I could have cared less about sticking a needle in my belly. It was no big deal. It didn't hurt, and I'd totally do it again. I'm sort of glad this happened because on the off chance that I don't get pregnant this cycle, there's a chance we'll be in Vegas next month on the day I'd need to trigger. This way, I can just do it myself. Who needs doctors!

Cycle Day 3 Ultrasound

2009-12-04T17:43:00.001-08:00

I had my cycle day 3 ultrasound today. Boy, my clinic runs awfully efficient. I was in and out in less than 30 minutes. I'm not kidding!

This clinic opens at 7:00 am Monday-Friday and 8:00 Saturday and Sunday. Anybody who needs cycle day 3 labs or ultrasounds just shows up between 7-8 during the week or 8-8:30 on the weekend. They give you a number and then call back 4 or 5 girls at the same time. We walked in a group dropping a girl in each exam room along the hall. The ultrasound only takes about 2 minutes then you go back to the waiting room to wait for the nurse.

her "everything looks fine. do you have your Clomid?"

me "yes, I picked it up yesterday."

her "OK start taking that tonight and come back on December 13th (Sunday) for your ultrasound. Bring the trigger with you, you should have refills on that, too."

And that was that. Several hundred dollars for 30 minutes. Infertility is big business!

One Failed Clomid Cycle, Officially

2009-12-02T06:08:00.000-08:00

4 days late but it's finally here. Boy, is it here!

Maybe I'm weird but I think the first 2 weeks of the cycle are way better than the last. I can't stand the two week wait. The phantom pregnancy symptoms, the emotional roller coaster of "I think I'm pregnant!" and "There's no way I'm pregnant" is too fucking depressing. I hate it. I much prefer the part where I'm working towards something, rather than just sitting around waiting for an answer.

In writing that last sentence I realize I have a major problem with just waiting. It infects every part of my life. When my husband was still deciding about whether he wanted to try to have a baby, the waiting nearly drove me crazy. And because of that, I nearly drove him crazy. I really struggled to give him the time he needed to work through his natural decision making process. I make decisions rather quickly and then just start working towards the goal. That is not to say that I make decisions haphazardly. In fact, I do tons of research for even the most miniscule decisions. But I do it swiftly, weigh the options, decide then act. It works for me most of the time, but when I have to consider the feelings and pace of another human being (my husband) or acquiesce to my ovaries, I go sorta crazy. The waiting and inaction can really turn me into one crazy bitch.

I think I just had a light-bulb moment. I have no idea what to do with it, but that was definitely a light-bulb.

She Won't Call It Negative, Yet

2009-11-30T18:30:00.000-08:00

17 days past ovulation

spotting since 10dpo

negative pregnancy test

I have read all sorts of stuff on the web about Clomid causing a longer than usual luteal phase but I decided to call my RE today, anyway, to ask what I should be doing.

me "I'm 3 days late but with a negative pregnancy test. Does the Clomid cause a longer cycle?"

her "Not really."

me "Well, what should I do?"

her "Wait until you are 10 days late and test again and call me with results. Negative, I'll give you something to make you start. Positive, we'll do blood work and an early ultrasound."

me "I don't think I'm pregnant. I've been spotting since 10dpo just like I was doing before my period in prior months."

her "Well, not necessarily. A lot of women have spotting in early pregnancy."

me "Is it possible that my 'spotting' could have been my actual period?"

her "I don't think so. Your endometrial stripe was 9mm so you should have a normal period."

Just when I'm getting past the sadness of another negative, she throws me a bone. Stringing me along like a bad boyfriend.

On Age

2009-11-28T13:22:00.001-08:00

I read a blog post the other day that really resonated with me. Romancing the Stone wrote about how comfortable she was with her age. It's something I've been obsessing about for a year or so. I'm 42 now. I'm 42 now. Wow. Even writing that is weird to me. But when I think about it, I don't think I'd change anything. I needed every single experience I've had to get to where I am today. And, although there are a lot of things I'm struggling with today, I know I'm in a good place.

I find myself staring at mothers I pass wondering how old they are. I constantly think about what it would be like to be the 62 year old mother of a 20 year old daughter and the struggles that might bring. I think about what it could be like for my child to bury his/her mother, maybe even before building a family to cry with. But the funny thing about it is that I never spend a single second thinking about the good things that would come from having a baby later in life. I'm in a loving relationship now for the first time ever. I'm more financially secure than I've ever been. I have the wisdom of a 42 year old woman which could go a long way when giving advice to an impressionable child.

Today I'm trying to embrace my age. To be OK with it. I don't want to view it like a fertility death sentence. I'm starting to believe that we AMA's have been negatively convinced by all that we read and all that the doctors tell us, to such and extent that it is really preventing us from getting pregnant. I don't want to be that girl anymore.

First Clomid Cycle

2009-11-24T07:09:00.000-08:00

I'm just finishing my first Clomid cycle. Like many others, I was just sure it had worked this time. Then this morning, the spotting started.

100mg on days 3-7. I didn't think the side-effects were that terrible. Not like I expected. Although I did have some sort of emotional breakdown over this old country grandma on Wife Swap.

To be honest, I was just so happy that I even responded to the Clomid. My FSH was 12 when I had it tested a few months ago. And I'd read that that usually means you won't respond well to ovarian stimulation drugs. I ended up with one 20mm follicle and two 13mm follicles on my right side. This is the side with the open tube but only a partial ovary. I triggered on day 12. Then the TI started. I really hate it. It's so unnatural and stress-inducing for both of us. We only managed to hit around 12 and 26 hours.

I guess I'll do another cycle. I'm curious to see what happens on my left side, assuming that I alternate ovulation like normal people. I think what happens on the left might give me a better idea of how seriously I should consider IVF.

I'm close to conquering my caffeine addiction. I've reduced my intake from over 800mg per day to under 100. I'm hoping after tomorrow I'll be caffeine free forever. I've had some really terrible, and surprising side-effects that I just knew were early pregnancy symptoms. Like insomnia. Who ever heard of caffeine withdrawal causing insomnia?

And I'm still having that pelvic discomfort from ovulation to my period. I don't even want to think about what that could be.

So, that's that. I can't believe we've been trying for 8 months already. Depressing.

Cautious Optomism

2009-09-23T05:00:00.000-07:00

I've been so afraid to write anything for fear I'd start spewing insults about my husband over his sudden doubt about having a baby. Today things feel better.

My husband is one of those glass-half-full type of dudes. He is my favorite person in the world and my best friend, but his negativity has always driven me crazy. What I mean is that he tends to place more weight on the bad stuff in life than the good stuff in life. He looks at the wackness - I look at the dopeness.

Since the death of his father, all he can think about is how he wouldn't want to bring a child into this world that would eventually suffer like he has, over the death of his father when he dies. For me, the frustrating part of this is that we have taken nearly a year to come to the decision to try to have a baby, then in one day it felt like it was all gone. I felt like there was a dream sitting right in front of me, within my reach, then somebody came along and stole it while I turned away. Unfair!

And just when I was starting to try to envision a life without this imaginary family I've grown attached to over the past year, something changed with him. A coworker who he trusts and admires came back from maternity leave. They had a candid conversation about his recent doubt over and she told him "I'm a pretty negative cynical person but I haven't had a bad day since she was born. Even when my grandmother died, I wasn't that sad because she just brings so much joy to my life. This could be exactly what you need to brings some light to a very dark time in your life." Praise God!

I guess sometimes it just takes a neutral party to help you see things differently. She didn't say anything particularly different from what I've said to him over the past 2 months, but when it comes right down to it, I've got an agenda with him and she doesn't.

I'm feeling more hopeful today but at the same time my evil self is sitting on the right saying "don't get your hopes up. You've been here before. It could all still be stolen."

The Verdict Is In

2009-09-15T18:14:00.000-07:00

Cyst on left ovary. 2.1 cm x 1.7 cm.

Blocked left tube.

Only part of a right ovary.

Damn near 42 years old.

Lucky me!

Fear and Pelvic Pain

2009-09-14T18:51:00.000-07:00

I've been having quite a bit of pelvic pain over the past 2 months. It started last cycle when I had really bad pain during ovulation. The pain stopped right after ovulation but then started again around cycle day 21 and didn't stop until after my period was over. This month it has continued right through my period and I'm scared.

I have an appointment with my OB/GYN in the morning. They'll do an ultrasound first and I'm just praying everything is OK.

Infertility Hath No Boundaries

2009-09-07T18:39:00.000-07:00

Words I need to say but can't. I am so sorry that I'm so fixated on having a baby that I'm being insensitive and unsupportive.

Today I was bitching and complaining about something he said (3 weeks ago!) and he burst into tears. "I feel like I am being judged like a normal person, like everything is normal. Nothing is normal. I think about him all day every day. I am trying to move forward but I'm dying inside. I never thought I'd miss him this much. I realize now that nobody ever loved me as much as he did."

Infertility takes over everything. Sometimes I wish we'd never decided to have a baby. It's turning me into somebody that I hate. That I'm afraid he'll end up hating, too.

About My Caffeine Pill Addiction

2009-09-06T06:23:00.000-07:00

I've been addicted to caffeine pills for over 10 years. One morning I was sleepier than usual so I tried to drink a cup of coffee but I found the taste really disgusting. I remember thinking "if I could just find this stuff in pill form." Years and years later, it's still the way I start every day. There is no telling how much money I've spent on these pills or what it has done to my internal organs. My husband calls it my "crack." He hates it.

I've quit 2 times for about 3 months each time. Once when I was having panic attacks on a regular basis (can you imagine how stupid it is for somebody with panic disorder to take several caffeine pills every day?) and when I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I needed surgery to remove my thyroid and since they were going to be shooting me up with all that anesthesia, it seemed like a good idea to do what I could to reduce my chances of contributing to my own death by mixing caffeine pills with the already kinda dangerous drugs they were going to give me.

And in the interest of transparency, I take so much caffeine during the day that I need something to help me sleep. I've had periods of my life where I took actual sleeping pills to go to sleep but thankfully I kicked that habit months ago. Now I just use Benadryl (I say that like it's OK but I'm aware that it's not.) I've bought about as much Benadryl over the years as I have caffeine pills.

I'll be 42 next month. We've been trying to get pregnant for 5 months and I know that studies have shown women who consume caffeine are way less likely to get pregnant, yet I continue to take the pills. Insanity! I've cut back. I'm only taking it in the morning as of the past week or so. And last night I went to bed Benadryl-less. I saw my Acupuncturist yesterday and I'm pretty sure she'd like to fire me. "Have you stopped taking the caffeine pills yet?" I'm spending all this money on Acupuncture and Yoga yet not doing the one thing that I know is contributing to me not getting pregnant. I'm a genius! I'm ashamed of myself.

I'm taking the month of September to get my shit in order. Including cutting out the caffeine once and for all. We're not trying this month. For reasons I don't really want to talk about right now. Instead of sitting around pouting about it and feeling sorry for myself, I'm really going to try to focus on wellness.

By the way, I have no idea where I am in my cycle. I'm either at 5.16 with heavy spotting (my temp is still up) or I'm at 6.2 with a very light period and a high temp. Tests = negative.

2009-09-04T05:16:00.000-07:00

Today is day 5.14. (month 5 of trying to conceive and day 14 of this cycle)

I've been spotting and cramping consistently for days. Still, my mind plays tricks. Maybe I'm pregnant.

Yoga for Fertility

2009-09-03T18:07:00.001-07:00

I had my 4th private yoga lesson tonight. I don't really feel all zen and calm like I'd hoped, but considering the hell stress I've been through over the past few weeks, maybe this is as zen as it gets.

I first read about yoga for fertility in the book Fully Fertile. The book is a 12 week holistic program designed to prepare you for conception and includes everything from diet to exercise. The first part of the book is dedicated to yoga and there are pictures and detailed instructions on how to do the poses which are specifically designed to increase blood flow to the reproductive organs. Since the book also recommends acupuncture, which I'd been wanting to try again (for fertility this time), I made an appointment with an acupuncturist in my area who has a lot of experience treating infertility. When I went for my initial consultation with the acupuncturist, I was thrilled to learn that I could get private yoga lessons right there in the same building. Not only that, they had a copy of the same book, Fully Fertile, on the shelf. I made an appointment with the yoga instructor and told her that I'd like her to show me how to properly do the poses from the book and when I showed up for my first yoga lesson, she'd done her homework and we moved right into positions that would target my reproductive organs and to relaxation poses because, well, I was sort of freaking out on many levels at that point.

If I was rich, I'd have at least one private yoga session and an acupuncture treatment every week. I love the idea of it and I am so in love with the clinic that I never want to leave. It's the most peaceful place I've ever been to.

Infertility

2009-09-03T04:45:00.000-07:00

OK - I get it. Infertiles seek out and befriend other infertiles because nobody else understands what they're going through and some of it is just too embarrassing to talk to regular people about.

Consider me labeled.

Trying To Conceive Is Making Me Crazy

2009-09-02T04:32:00.000-07:00

It's sad how the mind can play tricks on you.

This month, I was just sure I was pregnant, again. Even though we were officially "not trying" this month, we had unprotected sex on day 12 and 14 and since I had a positive ovulation predictor test on day 13, it seemed like we really did "try" after all. At the exact right time.

I started taking (or "using" - I still don't know what to call what I do with them) the Progesterone 2 days after the positive ovulation test but unlike last time, I had some pretty serious pregnancy-like symptoms. Like a big dork, I started taking pregnancy tests 8 days past ovulation.

Cramps starting 10 days past ovulation - no biggy! maybe "my uterus is just growing" (I've read that on a million fertility sites.)

Spotting with cramps starting day 11 - no biggy! maybe it's "implantation bleeding" (I've read that a million times, too.)

And even though I was vehemently opposed to all this infertility hoopla, for the past 2 days I've taken negative pregnancy tests, photographed the test then tried to do all sorts of shit to the picture to visualize a second line that is clearly not there.

I'm ashamed of myself.

Pregnancy Test Results

2009-08-04T05:48:00.001-07:00

12 Days Past Ovulation
Negative

Feeling Very Normal

2009-08-03T18:47:00.001-07:00

My breast soreness and hugeness is pretty much gone. I have no idea what the hell is going on with my body. I'm not sure if I was simply experiencing symptoms of the newly started progesterone and my body has gotten used to it now, or if my egg is getting fertilized but it's not implanting properly. I swear for the past 2 months I've felt pretty significant symptoms around implantation time but they always go away.

I'm also very crampy. I haven't had any spotting at all with the progesterone but for the past 3 nights I've had what feels like menstrual cramps. I'm thinking it's because I'm only using the progesterone at night so by the time the next evening rolls around and it's been nearly 24 hours, maybe I am about to start my period. Until the next progesterone dose.

I may go buy a pregnancy test to take in the morning. A waste of money I'm sure.

How Progesterone Is Making Me Feel

2009-07-31T11:49:00.000-07:00

I started taking progesterone about 5 days ago and all of a sudden my breasts are huge! And sore! I'm using Prometrium 200mg pills but I'm using them as suppositories per my doctor's direction. At first I thought maybe the breast thing was a pregnancy symptom but according to the Internet, it's just one of the side effects. Lucky me.

My father-in-law died on Tuesday.

Demotions Hurt Feelings Answered Prayers

2009-07-24T18:24:00.000-07:00

As if I wasn't stressed enough trying to handle everything going on in my life while I try to get pregnant, I got demoted today. Punch!

Even though I've put in years of hard work for this organization and many many long hours that kept me from my family, I don't know why I'm surprised. They're cut-throat and I always knew that.

The best part is that they want me to go in tomorrow morning and pretend like this is my idea, not theirs. If you knew me, you'd know that's just not how I roll. I'm not a bullshitter, to a fault. I suppose if told people what really happened "you can take this other position, or we will process a termination immediately", that could make them look bad - GOD FORBID!

I've been praying for nearly two years for some help with my job situation. Since I was promoted to manager, it's just been hell. I'm a really good leader, but very mediocre manager. I hate it. I hate the politics of it all. I hate firing people, writing them up, shaming them into doing stuff. Basically, I do suck at the job. But, being demoted from a manager to a supervisor in a completely different section is going to be riddled with rumors and embarrassment. I wish it was next Friday.

The good thing about this is that, well, maybe it is an answer to my prayers. I really have been overly stressed for 2 years and I blame work for 75% of that. Trying to have a baby at my age has just made things worse. Not to mention, now I'll be able to enjoy the Bulls games without worrying whether I'll be able to leave work in time to make it to the game at 7:30 and I probably won't feel obligated to be tied to my blackberry waiting on the next shit storm from my boss, half paying attention to the game.

At this point I'm just rambling. I'm hurt and embarrassed. And relieved and pissed off. And hurt and embarrassed.

"Don't Call Me Infertile!"

2009-07-23T04:11:00.000-07:00

Last August when my guy gave me the first inkling that he was re-considering having kids, I rushed over to my OB/GYN to see what I needed to do to start getting my body ready. Just in case.

When I mentioned to her that we were "negotiating" about it, she immediately goes "OK great! I'll refer you right over to a fertility specialist!" Wait! What? But I don't want that. I haven't even started trying yet! But at your age and blah blah blah...

I refused. I was already taking prenatal vitamins prescribed to me by my Internist when I told her we were thinking about it. That day my OB/GYN did a few blood tests including a genetic test for Cystic Fibrosis which I found weird since nobody in my family or his has it. But, whatever, it's a blood test. But as I was leaving the office, the doctor hands me this piece of paper meant to explain another test she wants me to have. At the top of the page I read

BASIC INFERTILITY WORKUP

I was pretty offended by it. Having not even started trying to conceive yet, I couldn't understand why she would assume I was infertile based on my age alone (I was 40 at the time).

I don't like labels. I feel like labels like "Infertile" and "Alcoholic" push people into victim-hood. Before you know it, you're hanging out with a bunch of other people who've been labeled like you and the next thing you know, the label has defined you as a person. I just don't see the point of it. To me, it seems much more productive to not own these labels.

In the end when we did finally decide to start trying, I had the "basic infertility workup" after all. Day 21 Progesterone level was 18. "Anything over 10 is good" they told me. Still, here I am shoving progesterone pills up my privates for the second month because, even though my numbers were OK, the very month we starting actively trying to conceive I started spotting like mad the entire week prior to my time I was supposed to start my period.

I'm starting to view this whole fertility/infertility thing a little differently now. That, or I'm getting sucked in just like all the others.